NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE 

To the citizens of the United States of America: In the light of your failure to
elect a president of the U.S.A. and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby
give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Utah, which she
does not fancy). Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85 percent of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 

1.You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminum." Check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary." Using the same 27 words interspersed with
filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." 

2.There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. 

3.You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. 

4.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys. 

5.You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up halfway through. 

6.You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15 percent of you who are aware that there is a
world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if
you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to
American "football," but does not involve stopping for a rest every
20 seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We
are hoping to get together at least a U.S. rugby sevens side by
2005. 

7.You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85 percent of you who
were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should
count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad
guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t." 

8.July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day." 

9.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean. 

10.Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. 

Thank you for your cooperation.